The Wild and Whacky World of Scientology...

A Timeline.
By: Cody


74, 997, 992 BC – Xenu, ruler of the Galactic Confederacy, brings millions of people to the planet earth in aircrafts similar to the modern day DC-8. He then proceeds to stack the aircrafts around a volcano and blow them up with hydrogen bombs. The souls of these poor bastards cluster themselves together and to this very day continue to stick to humans and cause ill effects. To this day Scientologists are very intent on neutralizing these...ummm....floating...clustery...uhh...sticky...bad soul things?

1934 – German writer Anastasius Nordenholz publishes “Scientologie : Science of the Constitution and Usefulness of Knowledge” pertaining to the study of consciousness. Approximately 19 years later (give or take a few minutes) some other joker stakes a similar claim to the same word and definition...how novel of him!

1953 – Science Fiction (fiction as in things that are not factual) author L. Ron Hubbard lays down the fundamental beliefs and policies of Scientology and starts the first official Church of Scientology. He defines Scientology as “The study of truth.” His followers don’t question this definition because as a fiction writer he obviously has the credentials to pass on his knowledge of the truth.

1958 – “Have You Lived Before This Life” finds L. Ron publishing accounts of church members experiences in past lives. He claims that some of these events were merely planted in their heads by complex extraterrestrial dictatorships in hopes of brainwashing the earth’s population. Certain scholars believe that L. Ron Hubbard may have been a very dense version of an extraterrestrial dictator himself at one time. I just referred to myself as “certain scholars”, OK fine, I admit it...

1966 – L. Ron patents the “E-Meter”, a device that measures electrical resistance in the human body. Volney Mathison actually invented the E-meter in the early 1950’s, and somehow Ronny ends up getting the patent, go figure. Mathison was apparantly not pleased and has been quoted as saying “I decry the doings of trivial fakers such as Scientologists.” Well said. The Church of Scientology sells E-meters for anywhere from $900 to $4650. They are used to gauge one’s mental state and effectively treat up to 70 percent of all physical and mental illness. It’s two dials and two metal cans! Pretty amazing!

1967 – Fair Game Policy is put into effect stating that anyone who speaks out against scientology is fair game for retaliation. “Enemy – May be deprived of property or injured by any means...may be tricked, sued, lied to, or destroyed.” The policy targets everyone from wives, family, the FDA, and the IRS.

1976 – Uh Oh! Scientologists end up in court for “Operation Freakout.” Paulette Cooper is targeted for her book “The Scandal of Scientology.” Church members break into her office posing as solicitors, steal her stationary with her address and fingerprints on it, and send bombthreats to one of their own Scientology buildings in hopes of framing her and getting her incarcerated. They additionally plan to send bombthreats to foreign embassies and disguise a member as Paulette Cooper and threaten to assassinate the President of the United States as a further means to frame her for crimes she didn’t commit. Thank Xenu they got caught before they could carry out the additional plans.

1979 – Not again! Eleven high ranking church officials end up in federal court after “Operation Snow White”, a project designed to clean up unfavorable public records pertaining to Scientology as a whole. They infiltrated, wiretapped and/or stole from 136 government buildings and foreign embassies in 30 countries using 5,000 or so covert agents. Operation HOLY SHIT! would be a more appropriate title.

1980 – Readers Digest quotes Hubbard as saying “If a man really wants to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion.” Tell us how you really feel...

1983 – Hubbard Re-introduces the Disconnection policy, encouraging members not to be in contact with family and friends who disagree with Scientology.

1986 – L Ron Hubbard finally dies and the church issues a statement claiming that he had “deliberately discarded his body to do higher level spiritual research” and now lived a galaxy away from the one we all inhabit. Couldn’t have come a day sooner I say, I’m not sure if the world rejoiced but if they didn’t they should have.

1990 – Present – Tom Cruise officially enters the Danger Zone by joining the church and continually freaking out nearly everyone by going apeshit about who knows what and punching Oprah’s floor, shaking her vigorously, and putting his dirty ass feet all over her couch.

1996 – The church attempts to take legal action on several groups publishing damning information about them, including trying to cut a deal with google to push websites with such information further back on search results pages.

I give up...There is a never-ending source of hilarious/frightening information about these clowns. This could have encompassed 30 issues of Think Forward, just wish me luck when they take me to court!!